Face-Off: Smucker's Uncrustables vs. Trader Joe's Crustless Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwiches with Naomi (Ep 82)

The Bros have been teasing this one for months. It's the ultimate Face-Off: Smucker's Uncrustables squares off against Trader Joe's Crustless Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam Sandwiches. Their court case is still pending, but we’re throwing down here and now.

The story: Smucker's traces back to 1897 and an apple butter wagon in Ohio; they began marketing Uncrustables in 2000. Trader Joe's dates to 1967 in Pasadena and debuted their own crustless sandwiches in 2025. Smucker’s sued TJ’s, and we bite into all of the claims: the shape, the crimped edges, the blue box, and a suspiciously large number of tiny ® symbols.

Plus: An Outshine fruit bar recall. A frozen dog food recall to warn the pups in 11 states. Defining "divvy.” Travis Kelce. Expert witnesses, and whether the Bros may be called to court.

In the closing segment: Ice Pick-tionary debuts. Naomi, Max, and Darren have thirty seconds to sketch frozen food brands and products.

WATCH THIS EPISODE

FROST BITES

Etymological Divide. We often finish recording with more questions than answers, and this week’s burning mystery was the linguistic origin of the word "divvy"—as in, "let's divvy up these Uncrustables so Naomi doesn't eat them all." As Darren suspected, the origin is pretty straightforward. It’s just lazy American slang from the late 1800s clipping the word divide. Sometimes etymology drops a mind-blowing historical bomb, and sometimes it just shrugs and says, "It's short for divide, bro."

The Great Food Recall Spree of 2026. We promised to touch on specific product pulls—like Outshine bars or frozen dog food—but the real story is that the entire grocery store almost seems to be on probation. In the last few months alone, everything from berries, cheese, and eggs to beef, soup, and salsa has landed on a government warning list. With FDA and USDA oversight staff down significantly since early 2025 and food safety tracing regulations getting bogged down by industry lobbying, consumer watchdog groups are raising red flags. We aren’t pointing fingers, but when you trim the agency refs and the fouls become more severe, you don't need a detective badge to question the cause.

Smucker’s Didn't Invent the Wheel (Or the Pocket). Smucker’s acts like they carved the crustless PB&J out of Italian marble, but two Minnesota dads—Len Kretchman and David Geske—actually created the concept in 1995 to supply local Midwest school cafeterias. Smucker’s simply swooped in with a cool million dollars in 1998, bought the operation, spent two years perfecting the industrial crimp, and launched a national empire. So Smucker's didn't invent the Uncrustable—they just bought the patent and hired a legal team to guard the borders.

PB & J: The Co-Dependent Power Couple. We wondered on mic which spread truly rules the pantry. According to Statista and industry consumer data, peanut butter is stocked in roughly 90% of American households, while jelly and jam sit right on its heels at nearly 89%. That’s not a rivalry; that’s an inseparable dynamic duo. If you were hoping one spread was secretly dominating the other, sorry to ruin the drama. They're running a joint dictatorship in almost every kitchen in America.

Legal Counsel Corner: How to Pay a Witness Darren danced around the rules of paying courtroom witnesses during the episode—a reminder that while he holds a law degree, he’s never actually taken a case to trial. Here is the actual breakdown: Fact witnesses (the "I saw the truck hit the dog food shipment" folks) cannot be paid for testimony, but they can be reimbursed for travel and lost wages. Expert witnesses, on the other hand, are hired explicitly for their specialized knowledge and opinions, and they can charge hefty hourly rates. The one golden rule that keeps everyone out of jail? An expert's payout can never depend on whether their side wins or loses.

YOUR COLD CUTS

Are you an Uncrustables aficionado? Or do you think they’re best kept in school cafeterias?

What’s your take on all of the recent wave of food recalls? Are you checking lot codes or living dangerously?

And most importantly, how much should the Bros be paid as expert witnesses?

Hit us up on the Let's Chill page and let us know!

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